


Right Here Waiting

by Jessie2126



Series: Madney Comfortember [4]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, F/M, Panic Attacks, WOMP, madney, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:14:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27932899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessie2126/pseuds/Jessie2126
Summary: Written for day 4 of ComfortemberOriginal prompt was: anxietyTW: anxiety and panic attacksIt's the first day Chim's doing a 24-hour shift, Maddie and 3 year old Noelle are having a little trouble adjusting.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Madney Comfortember [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2038870
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	Right Here Waiting

**Author's Note:**

> TW: anxiety and panic attacks

She shouldn’t worry, It’s just 1 shift. He’s done plenty of shifts before, been gone hours, sometimes days, at a time. But this is different. Now, they have her.

* * *

“Are you sure you’re comfortable with this?”

She has no idea what to tell him. Their daughter if 3, and for the past few years since Noelle was born, he’d done his best to only work 12-hour shifts. This meant that he worked almost every day of the week, but she’d rather have that than have him gone for days straight. However, the past year for them had been chaotic. She finally agreed to go back to work, so her and Chimney had almost felt like ships in the night. He’d typically leave really late at night, not getting back until mid-day, just in time to pick Noelle up from pre-school. He’d usually do the dinner and nighttime routine, and then she’d arrive home, usually having just enough time for Noelle to get a kiss goodnight. Chim would sleep for a few hours before going into work and, the next morning, she’d get Noelle up and ready for school, dropping her off before heading to dispatch. It wasn’t working out. Yes, Noelle had both of her parents as much as possible, but the 2 of them were perpetually exhausted. So, when he said that he’d take a 24-hour shift to see how it would go, how could she say no?

But, right now, at 6 AM, she’s having doubts. “No, you have to do this. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure. Bobby will understand if I.”

“No, we’ll be okay, right, baby?” She kisses Noelle on the top of the head as she nibbles on cheerios.

She gives a tiny smile. “Daddy go work?”

Chim leans down to her height. ‘Yes, pumpkin but daddy will be home before you know it.”

She holds out her pinky. “Promise, daddy needs to promise.”

Of course, he does, locking his finger with hers before turning back to Maddie. “If you need

Anything

I’m just a phone call away. I love you.”

She gives him a long kiss, really not wanting to let go. “I love you too.” He gives Noelle a final peck on the cheek before heading out.

The morning is fairly easy. Having a toddler makes it easy to focus on other stuff and not on terrible thoughts. As she drops her off at pre-school and gives her a final long kiss, she holds her tight, really not wanting to let go and start the day. “I love you, and I’ll see you later, okay?”

“No, daddy pick me up.”

Her heart breaks a little. “No baby, daddy’s at work, but mommy will be here this afternoon.”

“okay, love you mommy.”

It always amazes her how resilient kids are. Noelle just trusts that she’ll come back and that Chim will be back later. She wishes she could be that innocent again. “I’ll see you later.”

She listens to music as she drives to work. But she must have a strange look on her face, cause the minute she clocks in, josh approaches her. “Hey, you look a little on edge, everything alright?”

She shrugs. “I guess, Chim’s taking a 24-hour shift, the first since Noelle was born, and I’m trying not to think about it.”

“What are you doing here then? You should be at home, relaxing.”

“Josh, if I’m home, all I’ll do is think, I need to be here, need to help others for a few hours, or I’ll drive myself crazy thinking about everything that could go wrong today.”

“If you say so, but I’m always here if you need to tap out.”

“Thanks, appreciate that.” And the next few hours fly by as she takes call after call. She loves her job, loves being able to help people in their most scared moments. She feels a pang in her chest as she realizes that this is exactly how Chim feels. She wants to text him, wants to ask him for updates, to know how he’s doing. But she can’t, his job is important, and she needs to respect that.

The clock strikes 1 all to soon and she heads back to pick up Noelle. Her heart breaks as Noelle spots her, a look of confusion on her face. “Where’s daddy?”

She swallows hard. “At work, remember?”

“Will he be home soon?”

“Of course, he will.” But what if he’s not, what if something terrible happens and he doesn’t show up? She forces herself to take a slow deep breath. “Ready to go home? We’ll play some games and then eat dinner; I was thinking pizza?”

“Pizza!!!!! Yaay!” It takes so little to make her happy. Maddie wishes she could be that relaxed.

The next few hours are as relaxed as they can possibly be. She forces herself to smile and giggle, to play games with Noelle and cut her pizza into cute shapes. But, at bath-time, it all comes rushing back. “Daddy puts the bubbles in first.”

She drains the bath and starts over. “No mommy, the sailboat goes before the duck.”

She can field it coming, the uncomfortable feeling in her stomach, almost like a giant rock is sitting there, weighing her down. The feeling that she’s inadequate, not good enough, not perfect. It brings back memories of Doug that she’d rather forget. She slowly takes stock of her surroundings. The sound of Noelle’s splashing, scent of the bubble bath, giggles of her little girl as she squeezes the duck and water rushes out, the taste of the pizza she’d eaten just a few minutes ago, and the pink pattern on her towel. She’s okay, coping, she’ll get through this day and the next, and the next. “Mommy, I’m ready to get out.”

She scoops her up and looks at the time. It’s 7 PM, he’s only been gone for 12 hours, but it feels like it’s been forever. He’d done it almost every day before, but he’d always come back. She forces herself to smile down at her daughter. “Ready for bed?”

“Yes mommy, story?”

“Of course.” She tucks her in and scoops up cinder Ella, and calmly begins to read the story. She wishes that things could be as easy as they are in fairytales. Once she’s done, she gives Noelle a long kiss. “Good night my love, I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Daddy too?”

She swallows hard and forces a thin smile. “Of course, daddy too.”

“Okay, I love you mommy.”

“I love you too.” She hopes Noelle doesn’t here the way her voice cracks.

The minute she’s back on the couch, she lets the emotions and thoughts come. What if he’s not okay? What if there’s an accident? Will he come home? Even Noelle notices. Their beautiful little girl, she has so much trust. How can she tell her that daddy might not come back? That daddy might miss lots of things, and that daddy might not always be there to wake her up. Her heart is pounding, and her breathing is getting faster and faster as the thoughts rush through her mind. She forces herself to speak, voice incredibly shaky. “Madeline Han, you are okay, you are fine, you are safe, and this is purely your anxiety. Noelle is asleep, and Chim is just fine. If he weren’t, you’d know. You’re going to take a shower and make some chai. One step at a time.” She’s glad she’s alone. It was a technique she’d been working on with Frank, saying the things out loud to help her process them, rather than holding them all inside. It helped manage the anxiety spiral and allowed it to not turn into a full-blown panic attack. She takes one more deep breath, and after double checking that Noelle was truly asleep, steps into the shower. The hot water helps sooth her, helps her mind calm down and allows her to focus on something else for a while. Once she’s out, she changes into an old night gown and makes a cup of chai. It’s not as good as Chim’s but helps her relax, even just a little.

She sits on the couch and flips on the TV, lowering the volume to almost mute, not wanting to wake Noelle. She’s not sure how long she’s sitting there, or even what she’s watching, but she knows that if she tries to sleep, she’ll notice the empty space next to her and her anxiety will get bad again. Then she here’s it. “Mommy?”

She jumps slightly and sees her daughter standing int the doorway. “Hi baby, what’s wrong? Can’t sleep?”

“I miss daddy, it’s been days and days.”

She smiles a little, loving how her little girl has no real grasp of time. But she is very aware. Noelle was used to spending afternoon’s with Chim and mornings with her. Knew full-well that both would tuck her in, and that Maddie was rarely at home to give her baths. She doesn’t even know how to begin to explain that this night will probably be one of many more to come, so she settles on, “I miss him too.”

“When will he come home?”

She glances at the clock above the fireplace, it’s 2 AM. “In this many hours.” She holds up 5 fingers.

“No, to long, want to go visit him.”

“Okay, let’s do that.” She wonders if the anxiety has fostered itself into full mania. She knows that this is crazy and makes no sense. But she misses him and, more importantly, their

Daughter

Misses him even more. Maybe a late-night drive is exactly what the 2 of them need. She bundles Noelle into a coat and straps her in. Her daughter looks out the window, a look of aw on her face. “Mommy, it’s so dark out.”

She laughs a little. “I know my love, and your definitely supposed to be in bed.”

“No bed, daddy.”

“Daddy” she agrees as she backs out of the driveway.

It’s hard to describe the feeling of seeing him. He’s climbing off the ambulance when they arrive, dressed in full uniform. But it’s their daughter’s reaction that takes the cake. “Daddy!!!!!” She struggles to get down and once she’s on the ground, Chim scoops her up into his arms and twirls her around.

“Hi pumpkin, what are you doing here?”

“Mommy and I missed you, so she said we could come visit.”

He eyes Maddie quizzically, and she knows she’ll have a lot of explaining to do later. “I’m so glad you did. I missed you both so much.” He leans down and gives Maddie a long kiss. She forces herself to give his shoulder 2 quick squeezes. She loves her brother and the rest of the 118, but knows that right now, she just needs to be alone with him and Noelle.

Bobby appears behind him, gives Noelle a hug and then turns to Chim. “Go home, be with them, we’ve got things covered here for the next few hours. “

He gives him a tight hug. “Thanks.”

Once verifying with Buck that he’ll drive Chim’s car to their house at the rap of the shift, they head out and buckle Noelle in. He looks at Maddie as he hops in the driver’s seat. “You know, I’m pretty hungry, anyone up for ice cream.”

She gapes at him. “It’s 2:30 in the morning.”

“Well, weirder things have happened.”

Noelle squeals from the back seat. “Ice cream!!!!! Cookie dough.”

“Well, guess that settles it.” He turns at the next light and drives to the nearest Carvel.

As he drives and Noelle babbles happily in the back, he eyes her thoughtfully. “So, how bad was it.”

He can read her like a book. She’s had anxiety since the moment they met, and fully recognizes the symptoms and signs. She pauses. “Well, I took stock of my surroundings, talked to myself, showered, and made Chai. But I also drove to the station at 2 AM, so.”

He takes the hand that isn’t driving and gently squeezes her knee. “It’s okay, Mads, you’re going to be fine. This is just a minor setback, we’ll get through this, I promise.”

She smiles weakly. “Yeah, thanks.”

“I know, there’s guilt, worry, fear, but for now, let’s just go and eat, and that’s all we can do at the moment. Okay?”

She nods. “Sounds good.”

They must make quite an odd sight, and the manager does a double take when they step inside. Chim’s in his uniform, she’s in a night gown and their 3-year-old is in footy pajamas. She hopes that’s why he’s staring and not the other reason. Because their daughter. Their wonderful, funny, kind, sweet little girl, looks so obviously biracial. It’s not something she thought about while her and Chim were dating, but now, whenever the 3 of them are out in public, she’s never noticed people’s strange stares more. Cones in hand they head back to the car and crunch on the short drive home. Once inside, Noelle smiles at them, chocolate making a dark ring around her mouth. “Sandwich?”

They let her snuggle between them and eat. Maddie knows that they’ll need to talk about this, come up with a new plan, work through the anxiety exhaustion that will follow the next morning. But right now, in this moment, she’s with the 2 people she loves the most, and that’s enough for her.


End file.
